At home, I went to Sunday School. At the Sand Hill Seventh Day Adventist Church (a small, country church not far from my grandparents' farm near Richardsville), it was called Sabbath School.

The Kentucky Sabbath actually began the evening before at sunset and would last until sunset the following evening. Within that time period, no work was done, and all TVs, radios, and record-players fell silent.

It really made my pesky, younger cousin's day if the sun began to set right near the end of a program that his sisters and I wanted to know the outcome of. With an ornery grin on his face, he would turn off the TV.

"David!" we'd exclaim in unison.

"It's the Sabbath!" he'd gleefully announce.

And that was it. If David had been acting on his own, we could have told on him--but who could argue with God!?!

Being that my grandparents were among the pillars of Sand Hill and that their 8 1/2 year old granddaughter (yours truly) had come almost 300 miles to visit them--and being that said granddaughter had already opened her mouth enough times in Sabbath School to indicate that she might add some comic relief to the more serious adult world out in the sanctuary, her Sabbath School teacher asked her if she would like to give the benediction.

Being both an enthusiastic Christian and somewhat of a ham who wouldn't have known stage-fright if it had hit me in the face, I didn't hesitate for a minute to take her up on her invitation.

Of course, I had to ask her just what a benediction was, and she told me it was the prayer used to close the church service. I knew that grown-ups seemed to like long prayers, so I was ready in that department, too.

My benediction, I must confess, had some theological holes in it--especially considering that it was being said before a congregation who believed that the earth was a mere 6000-10,000 years old. But I didn't know that much about the theology of "The Seven Day Advance Church" at that time. I was still at the age where a church was a church to me: a place to go to pray, sing, talk about Jesus, do arts & crafts, and have refreshments.

I wasn't intentionally being offensive--and nobody seemed to take offense. As much as I can remember, my benediction went something like this:

"Now bow your heads and close your eyes." (pause)

"Dear God,

Once upon a time, a million years ago, You invented Adam and Eve. But they were naughty and ate the poison apple after You told them not to. So You chased them out of the Garden of Eden. Then, they had to live in a cave and eat dinosaur meat.

People back then also had to make sure that the dinosaurs didn't eat them. Dinosaurs were chasing the cave people all over the place and eating them up. Grrrrrrrrrr! Grrrrrrrrrrrr! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

So You decided to invent Jesus. When He grew up, He turned all the dinosaurs into skeletons and put them in museums. And all the people got to live in nice houses instead of caves.

Thank You, God, for inventing Jesus, because, now, we don't have to eat monster-meat anymore!

AMEN!"

Taken from:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! TIME TO SHAKE THINGS UP and GET A LITTLE MESSY!!!
Copyright 1994 by Ainsley Jo Phillips